Feeling Like a Phony

This is really a post about honesty; it’s time to be brutally honest.

On the way home from work, I was listening to a podcast from Elevation Church, as I have been doing lately. At one point, the podcast mentioned something about times where we’ve hidden away from that which we are responsible for, alluding to The Parable of the Bags of Gold in Matthew 25:14-30.

For those who aren’t immediately familiar, a master gives three of his workers bags of gold – five bags to the first, two to the second, and one to the third – to take care of while he will be away. The first two servants each double the amount of gold they have in the time the master is gone, but the third hides his one bag of gold and does not increase it. He does this out of fear that his master is hard to please and plans to return to his master exactly that which was entrusted to him. The point of it all was to take what he was given and increase it.

Anyway, the next words of the podcast took a back seat in my mind, as I was already drifting to thinking of the times I have shied away from my responsibilities. I could have come up with any number of examples, not excluding ways in which I currently feel like I could be accomplishing my tasks at work much better – or at least more efficiently. However, my mind stuck on one specific example.

As I was going into my freshman year of high school, pre-season for soccer was in full swing, and I sure wasn’t ready. I hadn’t even done the minimum of what I knew was expected of me. I was sore and tired, and I knew I couldn’t measure up. So I ran from my responsibilities; I faked an injury. I faked only so much as to get myself out of the things that I would look bad and humiliate myself compared to everyone else in. Looking back, in the long run, it hasn’t really changed anything, but it still sticks out to me. It also got me thinking about what else I’ve been faking.

In many ways, I feel like the version of me that’s been on here lately isn’t the real me. Yes, all of the thoughts are authentically mine (unless attributed elsewhere). Yes, I detail real events of my life and talk about real issues I either am facing or have faced. Now I think I’m facing another.

I fear my posts might make me look like someone I’m not. I’m sure that there’s plenty of posts I have made, either in the distant past or more recently, that make me look like a Christian that has a lot of it together. That’s the picture I like to paint anyway. But it’s time to let you see more.

My brutal honesty is this: when I packed to move for work for the first few months of being re-located, I put my Bible in one of my backpacks to take along. It’s been a little over four months since then, and I only recently took my Bible out of my backpack, but I still haven’t opened it.

Yeah, I’ve been going to church more lately. Yeah, I’ve had posts that have references to Scripture in it, but even that I just Google what I know I want to put in. I haven’t searched for myself.

This might not make me fake, but I know I feel like I’m not doing what I ought to be. At this point, I can truly say that I want to open my Bible and dive in – I even know some particular passages I want to read. But I make excuses: I’m too tired or I have to go and do something else. So I hide from something that I consider to be a responsibility of mine. Not necessarily as something to “qualify” me to write this blog; that’s never been what that is about. But something I should be doing for myself, because I know that I need it.

So I apologize if there’s something to my posts that make me appear as though I have it all together or that I’m in any way above anyone else. Trust me, I know I’m not. If anything, I feel like I still have the most to learn.

There’s more on my heart, but I know there are things I’m just not ready to share yet, so I can only pray I can someday have the courage to show the most true version of myself.

Honestly, I find myself asking for your prayers. Prayers that I can face my responsibilities and make the most of what I have with what God has blessed me.

To God be the Glory.

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